We have all heard that for a church
to live as a blessed community, we have to live differently from the society
around us. We have heard this so often, it feels cliché and therefore worthy of
being totally ignored. However, in the toxic climate in our society today,
where violent communication is rampant, it is also quite true. Today we citizens
of the United States have little trust in our institutions, whether the church,
the government, our medical or legal system, or our employers. But it does not
stop there. It has gotten so bad that only a third of all Americans trust each
other. Why, it has gotten so bad most people won’t even trust others enough to
bowl with them! All this mistrust leads to many arguments. Often people have
gotten into the bind of thinking that anyone who argues against a favorite
position (no matter what the topic) must be an enemy. Violence can and often
does follow quickly in this sad scenario. Loving neighbors and enemies alike,
as we Christians are called to do, is hard in times like these.
But,
there are things we can do to counter this problem. We can start by thinking of
each other differently. We have to work hard, and what better time to practice
than the long summer days, to believe that everyone
is basically compassionate by nature. We have to believe that all violent
strategies, whether verbal or physical, are learned behaviors that are supported
by the culture we live in and by whatever culture we were raised in. We are
called not to approach every disagreement with our guard up and a deep desire
to win, defeating our opponent at any cost. Instead we can enter into all
conversations (including disagreements) with the idea that we just might learn
something new, and maybe even have our mind changed, from our worthy discussion
partner. When we make this peaceful approach, we also allow ourselves to
remember that the person facing us is a whole person, with fears, hopes, and
anxieties. We remind ourselves that this person just might be communicating out
of those fears and anxieties. Instead of responding with fears and anxieties of
our own (leading to heated arguments, hurt feelings, resentments, and grudges),
we are sympathetic and compassionate to this person, especially if we see they
are hurting. We do not view this person as an enemy.
Henri
Nouwen reminds us that when we hold tight to complaints and resentments, we
block God from entering our hearts and setting us free. Hang onto negative
emotions, as so often happens in society today, and we trade faith, hope, and
charity with fear, doubt, and rivalry. That’s certainly no way to live
together.
To
communicate well and build solid community, we can make sure that we are clear,
that we are not intending to create a winner/loser situation in our
conversation, and that we avoid blaming and accusing. We take personal
responsibility for our own actions and leave the past in the past, never
dredging up past mistakes or hurts. Even better, we spend more time listening
to the other person than speaking. Listening well involves setting aside our personal
feelings, positions, and preconceived notions so we can clearly hear what the
other person says. Effective listening avoids assuming, accusing, and
sabotaging the conversation.
Great
aids to effective communication and community building include regularly
complimenting people for the positive things they say and do. Doing that well
means overlooking faults and weaknesses in other people, since we all have
them.
We all
get swept up in the ways of the world from time to time. We all have bad days
and sometimes we communicate violently, whether intending to or not. However,
as Rev. Dr. Harold Trulear reminded us, God uses a DVD, not a Polaroid, to
record our lives and the lives of our beloved community, the whole thing, not
just some moment in time when we stumble or grumble. We can always repent, turn
around and do things differently, following a better and more loving way.
Communicating with love is one of those ways.
Enjoy the summer and may we all
bless others every day by communicating with love.
~Rev. J.B. Snyder
